For those of you who deal with tons of snow every year, you’ll relate to this I’m sure…LOL

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 – 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our tea and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 – We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 – The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14 – Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 – 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16 – Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt sooooo bad. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 – Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 – Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the horrid stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22 – Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to stop and help my wife. By the time I got back out there again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 – Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What? Is she nuts!!!?? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24 – 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that rotten snowplow.

December 25 – Merry -GROAN- Christmas! 20 more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s lost her mind. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 – Still snowed in. Why on earth did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27 – Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 – Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WOMAN I MARRIED is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 – 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 – Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver! He is now suing me for a million dollars for the beating I gave him !!! The wife went home to her mother. 9″ of new snow predicted.

December 31 – I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 – Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But wonder why I am tied to the bed?

I wanted to share some encouragement with everyone, as the holidays approach, as a reminder, even the small things are miracles and it’s important to believe in them. I need to write this to remind myself of that again since I’ve just been somewhat depressed and down for so long. I have a few stories of little miracles that I’d like to share, if you’re willing to read

We’ll start with the first miracle. It took a LOOOONG time for this one to finally happen, and a lot of love, support, faith and patience on my part. You see when I was about 5 years old, my life as I knew it came crashing down on me. I didn’t quite get it at that age but it didn’t take me long to understand what the hell was going on. Up until I was 5, my parents were happily married, we were very well off and I was a happy little girl. When I say well off, I mean it. We owned 2 fairly large homes, a yacht, a speed boat that we towed behind the yacht, a Cadillac and a Harley. I was an only child and a “Daddy’s Girl” so I got pretty much anything I wanted. Well by the time I was 5, it was all gone. My dad had to sell both homes, both boats and the Harley but we kept the car. We ended up renting a house out in the country. That’s when life went to hell.  I understand now, what I didn’t then…my parents were drug addicts.

They started fighting, getting right violent with each other.  Throwing things, breaking things, throwing each other around, beating the living crap out of each other.  Accusing each other of cheating, etc. etc.  They split up, got back together, on and on.  People would come over, use the bathroom and leave, all day, all night.  The visits stopped when I was 6 because my father got busted dealing and went away for a little while (I still have a letter he sent me while he was in).  Since it was only his first offense and we living in Canada, he only got about 6 months to a year, not too sure.

While my dad was incarcerated, my mother continued to party and she couldn’t hold it together like my father could so it became brutal for me.  She found another man to support her habit while my dad was in jail.  He was the devil reincarnate.  I’ll leave it at that.  It got to a point that I was interfering with my mother’s “good time” so she left me at home (out in the middle of nowhere) for a week.  Remember, I was 6 years old.  Somehow I managed to get myself ready for school in the morning, catch the bus, come home, make Kraft Dinner, wash the dishes and watch a little TV before going to bed.  After the first week, and my mother was still nowhere to be found, I called my grandma and she came and got me.  I stayed there and had a little normalcy until my father got out of jail, then I went home.  Same thing, all over again.  After the fights now, my father would leave and my mother would yell, “take your fucking daughter with you because I don’t want her!”  This was an on again off again situation until I was 12. Then they finally split up for good.  My mother had went from Methamphetamine to downers and she took them like candy so I stayed with her to “babysit” her.  I couldn’t stand her at this point in my life and honestly wished her dead several times but I still stuck it out to make sure she didn’t kill herself.

When I was 13, she straightened out completely and decided to become a mother at this point, which I wouldn’t have anything to do with since I had played mother to her and took care of myself up until this point.  By the time I was 15, I was gone, walked out on her one day and never looked back.  I went to my father and told him my dilemma and he took me in without a problem.  At that point in time, he was bouncing a lot.  He didn’t have a home so he paid rent to a friend of his for me to stay there so I wasn’t moving around all the time.   He was honest with me right away and told me he was addicted to “Speed” and he wanted me to know so that I wouldn’t hear it from someone else.  He felt I was old enough to know.  Throughout his whole addiction, he did his best to give me as much normalcy as he could, which wasn’t much.

When I turned 17, I finally got to see the first miracle take place.  My father had FINALLY had enough but knew he couldn’t do this alone or around here so he moved out west with my uncle to clean up and stay that way.  My uncle and aunt kept him busy morning to night to keep his mind off the drugs and to make the nightmares and withdrawals not so harsh for him.  They would wake him up at 5am, keep him going and busy, working and playing until late at night when he was so exhausted, he’d pass out before his head hit the pillow.  He’s been clean for 16 years already.  WOW!!!!  I just actually realized how long he’s been clean for when I did the math, I’ve always just said since 1993.  I’m so proud of him.  He was able to move back home after a few years and start his life out fresh, away from his “trigger” friends and I have to say, at nearly 34 years of age, I’m still a “Daddy’s Girl”…LOL.

Miracle #2…I’ll throw this one in next just because it has to do with the first one.  Remember me saying I walked out on my mother and never looked back?  Well I did that for many years.  I tried to reconnect when I was about 19 but she was still trying to be the mother that she wasn’t when I was young and I was still too bitter to let go of anything so it didn’t work out.  We went our separate ways again.  Well a year and a half ago, I decided to contact her.  I realized that life it too short and I needed to make peace with her before it was too late and there was no second chance.  I was finally ready to put my bitterness to rest and the past behind me.  I wasn’t sure if she was ready to be a friend rather than a mother but I thought I’d give it a try.  Hell I had forgiven my dad willingly so why not my mother?  It wasn’t fair to her (or me) for me to continue this hatred towards her.  My dad had found out several years before that he had Hepatitis C because of the drugs and he heard my mother was fairly sick and it would be a good idea for me to get in touch with her.  So I did, on Mother’s Day 2008.  We were both ready to lay the past to rest.  We have been in touch and very close since then.  We have a friend in each other and we’ve talked through the issues that were still present.  That in itself is a miracle because everyone, including myself, figured that we would NEVER speak again.

Miracle #3…if by now, you’re bored or I’ve gone on too long, I understand and I am sorry.  I won’t be hurt if you don’t read anymore but I think this one by far is the most amazing.  It’s my personal triumph, my own obstacle that I’ve overcome, my life spared and renewed.  I’ve been given a second chance and lately I’ve been so down, that I’ve nearly lost sight of that again.  It’s funny how I started to remember the little things in life that are so important again and to be grateful for, it was through the social network Twitter.  Go figure, I started reading other people’s inspiring posts (non-celebrities and celebrities alike).  What people are grateful for and they take the time day in and day out to make sure their friends (and fans) know how much they’re loved and appreciated.  What a blessing!  How grateful am I for deciding to finally “fall victim” to Twitter.  It’s also a place that I’ve found I’m able to share my feelings and not worry about who’s listening and judging, since none of my friends or family have anything to do with Twitter, most of them don’t even know what the heck Twitter is.  I’ve found a whole new family, my Twitter family.

Anyway, back on track here, to the miracle that is me   Back in 1999, I was at a point in my life where I really didn’t know what I wanted in my life, I felt like I was throwing it away but I was really starting to not care if I did or not.  I started thinking about the “favor” I would be doing everyone by just ostracizing myself from everyone that I knew and loved.  I wasn’t completely  suicidal at that point (not then anyway).  I started partying quite a bit and found a whole new crowd of people to spend my every waking moment with.  I was already depressed and these people and the partying just wasn’t helping matters.  I found a way to get absolutely trashed almost every single night.  I was at the bar 4-7 days of the week, depending on how motivated I felt to weasel drinks out of unsuspecting men that thought that I was actually going to “put out” for them.  It’s not like I could afford to buy my own drinks since I lost my job (which is when I started this downward spiral) and had my car repossessed and was falling into some serious debt with school loans, credit cards, etc.  I was 23 at this point and was probably going to be dead or incarcerated by the time I was 24 with the way that I was going.  I’ve always tried to stay out of trouble and stay sober and clean since I spent a great deal of my life watching my dad deal with the law and I didn’t want to follow the same path.  Yet here I was, RIGHT on that same path.  By the summer of 1999, I was suicidal and was admitted into the local psych ward for a couple of weeks because of it.  I don’t remember the whole ordeal because I was absolutely inebriated but apparently someone found me laying in a school field, passed out and when they tried to wake me, I told them to just leave me there to die, all I wanted to do was die and I guess I pleaded with them to just let me die, to kill me, to put me out of everyone’s misery.  Wow, really?  I guess I was that much more suicidal while drinking than I was sober.

A couple of weeks locked up in the loony bin, set me a little more straight (while I was in there anyway).  It was rough being in there because I thought I had friends with the people I was hanging out with, yet not once, not one person even considered coming to visit me while I was up there.  I understand, people don’t like hospitals but even a phone call would have been nice.  Nope, guess not.  I did have a close friend find out and travel 2 1/2 hours to come and get me out on a day pass for a visit.  It was the best visit ever.  I got out, approached my “friends” and let them all have it for being such douchebags.  They apologized, used the hate hospital excuse and offered to pick up the tab on the party that night.  Well, so much for straightening out, so why not party my life away?  This continued throughout the summer until the fall when the “friend” I was living with was moving away and I had no place to go.  I couldn’t move in with my dad since his wife and I have never seen eye to eye and one of us would have killed the other, I’m sure.  Well, party’s over, time to straighten out and get myself a job again.  By the way, in case you’re wondering how I had any money at all, my dad was sneaking me money weekly to help out with food.  I was smart enough to not blow it at the bar, I did buy food with it, I wouldn’t disrespect my dad like that and blow the money he gave me for food on partying it up (not yet).

I found a job waiting tables at the local sports center.  It wasn’t the best pay but I was able to get assistance to pay first and last on an apartment and furniture for me and the job paid for my rent, bills and food.  My tips were spent on booze.  While I was working there, I started growing fond of the kitchen manager and he was growing fond of me.  We hung out quite a bit and just cuddled and watch movies at either his place or mine.  I realized, I didn’t need to drink to enjoy myself.  I’ll leave this part as short as I can since that’s a whole story in itself but he was my saving grace.  He didn’t drink and I realized, I didn’t need to.  He helped me through the withdrawal and our relationship flourished.  We moved in together several months later and another one of my “friends” introduced me to morphine, percocets and oxycontin.  Of course, it was totally my choice to try it out and I don’t, and have never, blamed the friend for my addiction.  It’s not like they held a gun to my head and told me I needed to try it, I did it on my own.  It was the escape that I had been looking for and I was hooked almost instantly.

At this point, the guy I was living with had gotten hooked as well and we both somehow managed to continue our lives uninterrupted.  We were functional addicts.  We kept it quiet from both of our families (including my ex junkie father) I had gone back to school, gotten my Personal Support Worker diploma, was working in home care for the elderly (working an average of 60 hours per week) and getting high ALL of the time.  Without the opiates, I was sick, miserable and couldn’t work.  This went on for nearly 3 years, until one day, I flipped out on the guy I was living with and told him that I was done competing with his best friend for his affection (best friend was a girl) and I couldn’t do it anymore.  He didn’t beg me to stay, he just said, well then maybe it’s time you find your own place.  So I did.  I decided at this point, since I was making one change in my life, why not get myself clean as well.  I saw my life becoming just like my parents’ and I didn’t want to go down the same path.  I was still working a lot of overtime and had some decent cash put away so I decided to take a 2 week stress leave from work (in November 2004) since I could afford it and with health care, they rarely ask questions when you say it’s because of stress.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to get clean unless I wasn’t working.

So I started my own withdrawal.  I took less and less the first few days just to see how I could handle it, then, BANG! Cold turkey.  I was sick, sick, sick.  Miserable doesn’t even begin to describe it.  I ignored phone calls so that I didn’t lash out on the people that I love and hurt them for no reason at all.  It was rough, but once the withdrawal was over, it started to get easier.  I knew my next step would be to get rid of the “trigger” friends.  It was tough but they understood and actually let it be (even though some of them were my dealers).  The first little bit, I had a few slip ups, but I was clean.  Clean, healthy and happy.  I lost a bunch of weight and I was actually content with my life.  I was happy.  Things were looking up for me and I was even happy being single.  That continued for several months until in a 2 week period (in September 2005), I went from overtime, to barely any hours at all.  I had several clients suddenly die within that 2 weeks and they didn’t have the clientele to replace the hours I lost.  I knew that I had to find another job or I would be homeless within months.

I found another full time job with benefits.  It was a major pay cut but it was guaranteed 40+ hours a week so it worked out better for me there.  It was a call center and I had a hard time adjusting to that.  I was used to running my ass off constantly and here I was sitting on my ass.  I started making friends with the people that were in my training class.  They were decent people for the most part but liked to party.  So of course, I started partying it up again.  I had only had a few drinks in the past 4 years and now I was turning into a raging alcoholic again.  I started the job in October 2005 and by April 2006, I was barely ever at work and I was drunk all the time again and then I lost my job but I really didn’t care, I was having a blast.  My fridge was void of food but it was always full of beer and liquor.  I was the host of all the parties, people brought a few bucks to pitch in for the drinks and we partied it up.  Then I met some of the friends of my friends by hosting my parties.  After one of the parties was over and everyone had left, the one friend had stayed behind because he was too drunk to drive and didn’t have any money to take a cab.  I didn’t have a problem with that, we had gotten to know each other quite well, he was nice enough and I knew he didn’t have any other intentions then to just crash at my place since he was gay.  What I didn’t expect was what happened to me after that night for several months.

After the party was done, we sat down on the couch to watch a movie.  He asked me if I could keep a secret and I said yes.  I have always been the one that everyone’s feel compelled to confide in so it came as no surprise that he would want to confide in me as well, little did I know what I was about to get myself into.  He told me that since he was gay and still kept it quiet from so many people and for so many years (except the few of us that he felt comfortable enough with to share) he was a master of deception, of lying and hiding.  I thought to myself, “ok, so where the hell is he going with this, is he about to tell me he has HIV or something?”  Nope, not even close.  What none of us realized that night or any other night that we hung out was that he was addicted to crack.  We all thought it weird that he went to the bathroom A LOT and he wanted to lay down from time to time in the bedroom, undisturbed with the door shut and locked but we never questioned it since he was bizarre at the best of times.  I know it was my place but I didn’t care, I trusted that these friends wouldn’t steal anything.  They might have liked to party a lot but they were honest hard working, weekend warriors…lol.

So after telling me this, he asked if I had ever tried crack before and I told him no but was curious about it.  He told me he had bought a quarter that night and had about 1/2 left.  He asked if he could continue doing it in my bathroom for the night with the fan on and I went that stupid step farther and said he could do it right in the living room since I knew about it, he didn’t have to hide it from me.  Well I watched him do the first couple hits off the pipe, then asked if I could get in on the action.  He said sure and that was the end of me.  I was losing myself but managed to keep it hidden well.  Friends were shocked at how close my gay friend and I had gotten.  If he wasn’t at my place, I was at his, just the 2 of us, having a movie night, no other friends allowed, doors locked, windows and blinds shut, one small light on and the TV on for background sound.  We decided to move in together since we would save money that way and could get more crack.  Our friends started thinking we were actually having sex since we moved into his little apartment that was 1/2 of what I was paying and we shared a bed.  Nope, we just had a common addiction we wanted to keep quiet from everyone else.

Again, I found another call center job and managed to make it to work most days (not like when I drank, I was useless when I drank) and stay honest (and by honest, I mean, not stealing, or selling my body for my habit. I was hiding my addiction so obviously I wasn’t being honest about that).  I did have one slip up with not being honest and it still haunts me.  My dad had a friend transfer $1500 into my account and I tried not to touch it but after a month of it sitting there, we had a HUGE crack party and I told my dad that we were going to get evicted if I didn’t use the money he had in my account.  He let it go at that (I’m thinking he knew there was something going on since he’s an ex junkie).  My little gay friend was able to keep his job as well.  Heck he had been doing it for much longer than I had so he gave me pointers on how to keep it hidden yet be able to do it wherever we were (although we didn’t go out that much).  I became a pro at cooking it up as well.  I became a pro at actually smoking it at work in the bathrooms.  I was a lost cause at this point but I had a double life to live and I had to make sure it remained a double life, that no one could find out.  We were always broke but we had our bills and rent paid and the rest was our crack money.  Screw food, we ate once and a while but didn’t feel the need to, especially when buying groceries cut into our crack money.  By November 2006 (so about 6 months), I had lost about 45 pounds and I guess people said I was looking sick.

By December 2006 my roommate had met an older man, a straight man, that felt a void in his life because he never had children and my roommate had always had a void in his life because he didn’t grow up with a father so they had a connection.  He shared that he had an addiction with this man because he was tired of living the lie and wanted out but didn’t know how, I was growing tired of the life already as well.  I hated being broke all the time, it wasn’t fun anymore, it just sucked.

So started the journey to where I am today.  The roommate moved out west with this guy in January 2007 to get clean and I met the man I’m with now, the most wonderful man in the world (although sometimes I’d love to just scream at him, but I hear that’s normal…LOL).  I stayed at the apartment for a little while longer, changed my phone number, “lost” the dealers’ numbers and didn’t answer the door if I wasn’t expecting anyone.  One thing about crack is that it’s not a physical addiction at all, it’s a mental addiction so triggers play a HUGE role in that addiction.  Removing triggers plays an even bigger role in staying clean.  I am happy to say, I have been clean from opiates since 2004, I rarely drink and if I do, it’s a couple of glasses of wine, and when I start feeling a little buzz, I stop, and I have been away from the crack since January 2007.  I am clean and sober, happy and healthy and I am content.  One other MAJOR miracle with my several years of several addictions is that I still have the respect and trust of all my loved ones.  I did not have to live to prove my trust to anyone.  That is very rare when it comes to addiction since it becomes all about the next high and that’s it.  Somehow I fell into a totally different category in that situation.  Most of my family still doesn’t know that I struggled with the addictions (someday but not yet).

So if anybody doesn’t believe that miracles happen, tell them my story.  My parents and myself are living proof of miracles.  We are all clean, we’ve let go of the past and fixed our broken relationships and we all are happy and content with our lives.  Although my parents are separated, we are a close knit family and my family is my life.

I pray that God gives you strength in your time of weakness, light in the darkness and love, love and more love.  The greatest gift I can give during the holiday season is by sharing my story with everyone, giving hope to those with loved ones going through addiction and being a support to those that may need it.  It is very difficult for someone to watch their loved ones suffer with addiction (because they suffer just as much, if not more) Since I’ve been clean, I’ve had many friends come to me and ask me how I do it, I talk with them, love them unconditionally and become their strength when they have none left.  I understand addiction completely and who better to talk to then a recovering addict?  Someone that gets what it’s like to think of ONLY that next hit, blast, snort, shot, drink, etc.  People that read this and have loved ones in the darkness of addiction, please just try to be understanding and be there for them if they need that support.  I know it can be difficult to want to do that sometimes but it does make a world of difference.  It could be the difference between getting help or getting high.

Love Tanya

Well, with the holidays approaching, I am hoping that things will pan out the way that I’m planning it. We still don’t have a tree or decorations but hopefully we’ll have enough money to get what we need to decorate this place. We’ve invited Steve’s mom down for Christmas and my mom as well so hopefully the weather is kind enough to allow Steve’s mom to drive without worrying about driving off the road and we’ll have a nice quiet Christmas, just the 4 of us.

I have never cooked a turkey before but I’m hoping to do a “practice” one before Christmas so that I don’t ruin the dinner. If Steve’s mom comes down, I know she’ll help out but I would like to be able to do it myself.

We already know what we’re going to be getting both our moms for Christmas so hopefully by next week we can do so. Hopefully we can get the gifts, the tree, lights, decorations, etc. all in one shot and come home and decorate.

The only other thing we have to do is to get the roommate out of here for the holidays since I want it to be a nice quiet FAMILY night. He has family but like I’ve said, they really don’t want anything to do with him either so I don’t know if we’ll be able to get him out of here (for Christmas or even until we move). The only other downfall is that I have to work midnights Christmas and Boxing Days. At least I’m getting time and a half for it though and it could be worse, I could be working afternoons which would have screwed everything up.

So here’s to hoping that this Christmas goes off without a hitch, since, I’m actually looking forward to it for the first time in a looooong time.