The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

For those of you who deal with tons of snow every year, you’ll relate to this I’m sure…LOL

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 – 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our tea and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 – We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 – The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14 – Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 – 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16 – Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt sooooo bad. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 – Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 – Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the horrid stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22 – Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to stop and help my wife. By the time I got back out there again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 – Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What? Is she nuts!!!?? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24 – 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that rotten snowplow.

December 25 – Merry -GROAN- Christmas! 20 more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s lost her mind. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 – Still snowed in. Why on earth did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27 – Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 – Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WOMAN I MARRIED is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 – 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 – Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver! He is now suing me for a million dollars for the beating I gave him !!! The wife went home to her mother. 9″ of new snow predicted.

December 31 – I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 – Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But wonder why I am tied to the bed?

HAVE YOU EVER

I came across this questionnaire on Kim’s site http://spaces.msn.com/members/layitonme/ and thoroughly enjoyed it so I wanted to share it with you all as well.

HAVE YOU EVER….

(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar.
(x) smoked a joint
( ) crashed a friend’s …car
(x) stolen a …car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) been used
(x) failed someone
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent’s house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a …blind date
(x) lied to a …friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(x) seen someone die/dying
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
( ) been moshing at a concert
(x) been in an abusive relationship (emotional abuse counts)
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been …lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school [both!] 
(x) used a fake id
(x) watched the sunset
(x) felt an earthquake  (more like a tremble)
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) petted a reindeer/goat
( ) won a contest
(x) run a red light
(x) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
( ) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
( ) been obsessed with Post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
( ) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
( ) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins (not a meal but a drinking under-age fine…LOL)
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(x) made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Clause
( ) been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed penis in public
(x) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
( ) had a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
(x) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex’s clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel (not well I might add…LOL)
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn’t take a shower for a week
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house  
( ) are scared to watch scary movies
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(x) gone streaking
( ) played chicken
(x) been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) been told you’re beautiful by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone (do fingers and toes count?  LOL)
(x) been easily amused
(x) caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone’s name
(x) slept naked
( ) French-braided someone’s hair

 

Well there’s a few tidbits about me.  I’m sure there will be more to come soon.

Chick Humor (Sorry guys…LOL)

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
 
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
 
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends," I replied.

 

"What does it say on your shirt?"

 

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

 

And they say blondes are dumb…

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A couple is lying in bed.

 

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

 

The woman says, "I’ll miss you."

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"It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,"

 

Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

 

"honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

 

"Probably that I married you for money," she replied.

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He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly."

 

She said, "Well, you succeeded."

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He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

 

She said, "That’s a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

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He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"

 

She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

 

A: A rumour

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A woman’s perfect breakfast:

 

* She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

* Her son is on the cover of the Weaties box.

* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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A Woman’s Prayer

 

Dear Lord,

I pray for wisdome to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And paitience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,

I’ll beat him to death.

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